Paddy Power’s big gay quiz of gayness

Soon, we’ll all be pulling on our outdoor trousers, picking up our lucky Thundercats pen and heading off to vote on the issue of gay marriage in Ireland.

The polls are calling it as a close run thing, with religious conservatives angrily campaigning that gays go around at night teasing each other with porn and plastic willies. Same as everyone.

It’s currently 1/10 for a ‘yes’ with ‘no’ tightening slightly to 5/1.

So, in the spirit of broadening minds (and basically just pissing out about work for around four minutes) we’ve created a highly scientific quiz that will investigate just how gay each and every one of us could be. It’s a bit like Blockbusters, only worse.

Just click on the image and answer the five questions below…

1. You’re trapped in a lift with Olivier Giroud, do you:

Give him a dead leg and steal his Gucci loafers Share your views about the virtues of the back post header Casually mistake him for a young Tony from Hollyoaks Clamp your mouth around his nipples until you are tasered into a coma by the police

2. You wake up in a strange hotel to find Nigel Farage and R Kelly double-teaming an otter, do you:

Take a picture of Nige’s dusty ball bag and sell it to Grazia Gently lower your own testes onto R Kelly’s shiny, bald head Tweet Lenny Henry about the scent and viscosity of the mini shampoos Remark that you’ve not seen such deft interchange since Shearer and Sheringham

3. You’re walking through the park when some ‘youths’ ask you to kick back their football, what do you do:

Knife it and, later, film yourself doing a poo on all their mums Attempt a no-look pass and accidentally shatter your own thigh bone Mistake the ball for a suspicious terrorist package and hoof it patriotically into a passing canoe Nothing, you’re too busy trying to shove a heavily greased mole through your bum window

4. It’s your wedding reception, what’s the first line of your speech?

‘If any of you c*nts have bought me a toaster, I’ll fire bomb your grandad’ ‘I’ve not been this happy since Ruel Fox won his first England B cap in 1994’ ‘TECHNO! TECHNO! TECHNO! TECHNO!’ ‘Before we cut the poppers and lube cake…’

5. You’re in Walkabout when John Terry offers to buy you some kind of blue drink, do you

Jab him in the neck with a hot spanner Take the drink and wake up together days later in a Norwegian stickleback farm Ask him excitedly about his loan spell at Nottingham Forest in 2000 Kidnap him and keep him prisoner for decades in your Fiery Lube Dungeon

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